When I moved house recently, I was daunted by the prospect of doing it all on my own. I’d always had this vision of moving where all of your friends and family take a box, sit you down with fish n chips and a glass of bubbly and help you plan where everything could go. How on earth was I going to get four full cars worth of heavy boxes and furniture across a long courtyard, past a heavy closing door (which, by the way, gives you a damn good smack on the bum each time you walk through it) and up 52 steps without collapsing at the top in an undignified, emotional, heavy breathing mess? But two days and an aching body later it was all completed and it showed me that when you set your mind to something you can ruddy well get it done. I also realised that in some ways I’d set myself a test…I could have begged my friends and my family for help, could have asked them to change all their plans to lend a hand but instead I began to think that if I could things done on my own without relying on others, then I would truly be ready to live on my own. So I did and I now know I definitely am 🙂 The purpose for this anecdote is to set the scene for this latest musing… I’ve noticed more and more that life is made up of a series of ‘tests’ and challenges – some for us to pass or fail but others that we make for people to try out against. I guess it’s our way of reaching a decision about someone, a situation or a choice – if you pass the test then it was meant to be and if you don’t, well it wasn’t right in the first place anyway.
Take New Year resolutions. I confess that I love setting them. I see it as a great chance to look ahead to a new year and have a really good think about what I want to achieve – they also provide something tangible to reflect back on as another year passes by. But what are resolutions if they are not just a series of little tests? If we don’t meet our aims for a year we often feel we’ve failed in some way and when we do achieve them, we get that great feeling of success and contentment. Resolutions seem to be our way of testing whether it has been a good year or not…we measure ourselves by the goals we set and our ability to meet them. It makes sense in a lot of ways…we are by our very nature stimulated by challenge, reward and outcomes – these little tests are a good way to ensure we get all of these things.
But I also think tests are used in decision making too – a way to make a judgement about the best thing to do or to check whether the right course of action was taken. I recently took a decision to bare my soul to someone – I really made myself vulnerable and it took a lot of courage to do. There were a number of reasons for deciding to take that path including the start of a new year (and letting go of past of ghosts), being honest and true to myself, wanting to move on, wanting to help the other person etc. But then it struck me today, the situation and my subsequent approach to tackling it also provided a very a good test of the other person’s nature. Who, with even an ounce of decency, respect or heart would not understand what it might have taken to lay my feelings open like that? The way the person chooses to react tells me a great deal about their character. I could only ever truly love someone who has a good sense of decency, empathy and respect for others – someone who faces issues head on rather than run from them. A shame then that it seems I’d understood this person wrongly – they have failed my test, but in doing so, allow me to move on without ever looking back. The day will come again when they try to make contact but because of the outcome from this little test, the decision at that point will be an easy one for me.
Similarly, another experience I will share is in relation to job searches and applications. When considering applying for a job recently I contacted a woman (the person who the advert told me the position would be directly accountable to) with a polite and friendly enquiry about the role. The response back could be described at best as frosty and abrupt. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt however and call her up to see whether her demeanour over the phone was any better…it was not. She failed my test miserably. The attitude I should have experienced should have been friendly and welcoming of an application – instead (and I suspect in the current economic climate many companies make a similarly tragic mistake) her responses sounded like she had her pick of hundreds so why on earth was she wasting time on my questions. The sad thing about this situation is that many decent candidates (who have a good deal of choice about which jobs they apply for) will do as I did and choose not apply since the attitude speaks volumes about the person, team and organisation you would work with and for. In this situation my test probably saved several hours of wasted time in applying to an organisation I would ultimately not enjoy working for.
The thing about this concept of ‘testing’ though is that I think the extent to which people set or undertake them varies a lot. Some people set tests and challenges rarely, while others do it all day every day. I think I’m probably one who does it quite a bit unknowingly (unknowingly that is until my mini epiphany today!). I’m sure there are others who do the same… For example, have you ever found yourself feeling disappointed that a friend didn’t make it to a party or an evening out? That in itself could be seen as a little test of the friendship – your disappointment perhaps indicating you feel they’ve failed you a little bit as a friend. Or have you ever felt pleased that you managed to avoid the booze for a week, month, etc? A little test of your willpower and the joy you feel at having passed that test. Or maybe you asked a colleague at work for a favour and they were too busy…a test of their reliability in the future perhaps.
But I think testing and challenging yourself and others in life can be a positive thing – it allows us to know our boundaries and understand where we are at with certain people, situations and dilemmas. But the challenge this presents is when we begin setting unrealistic goals or living the entirety of our life by the results of a test – it inevitably can only lead to disappointment. Testing a situation or testing yourself can be a useful tool but doing it too much can mean constant pressure, intensity and stress. I suppose the trick is to get a balance – live your life as a journey to be enjoyed and occasionally use tests to stretch yourself and achieve great, realistic things.
Nowadays it sometimes feels as though there are tests everywhere too…at job interviews, to volunteer, to give blood – they are even popping up in magazines, newspapers and occasionally down the pub! I joined a dating website recently and a guy emailed me to tell me to say that before we could speak properly, he wanted me to undertake his compatibility test! (In case you’re wondering, no I didn’t take it 🙂 The very fact I had to do that meant that unknowingly he’d failed my test relating to spark, and conversation!).
So I suppose in musing over this there are three things I’ve learnt:
- Challenges are good but keep them realistic – life is tough enough without beating yourself up for not achieving the unattainable or failing to pass the impassable. A good challenge pushes the boundaries while staying mindful of your individual abilities and talents.
- Failing at one test sometimes means you’ll succeed at another – each time I ‘fail’ to secure an interview or ‘fail’ to go on a successful date just means that I’ll succeed at / with something or someone else. In fact as with my earlier description of a personal situation, sometimes it’s even a good thing that people don’t pass your tests – your time can then be given to people and situations that truly deserve it
- Testing times can both develop and reveal character – through regularly facing challenges you can develop as a person. Equally through sometimes testing your perception of others, you can get a good glimpse of the true person underneath. No one likes to feel like they are continually under the microscope or under exam conditions but the odd challenge from time to time can help to clarify or reinforce a feeling where previously there might have been confusion.
In concluding I guess I would say to use the idea of testing in a positive way. No good can ever come of feeling like you always have to fail or succeed; instead use the idea to reinforce what you probably already knew deep down inside. Going back to my first paragraph… of course I knew I could live successfully on my own otherwise I would not have made the decision to move, but the physical and emotional test of being able to move everything on my own just helped to silence the niggling little doubts at the back of my mind. The same can probably be said with my job application scenario and with my ‘declaration’ to someone clearly not right for me. Sometimes it’s better to run the test and get your answer than always wonder ‘what if’. But perhaps more importantly you could even say that the best decisions, the best people and the most amazing experiences are those you never need to test or question at all – you just know when it’s right 🙂